world without end

I went to a service at St. Matthew's this morning and much to my great surprise, I think I might be Anglican.

In retrospect, it makes perfect sense, as things often do. I have always loved the sound and flavour of words. I have always appreciated the immediacy of symbols and their ability to give us something to hold on to in the face of untouchable things. Makes sense that a style of worship that places a high value on both of these things would be right up my alley.

The first hints that I might have found what I was looking for happened while I was reading St. Matthew's website which is, hands down, one of the best church websites I have ever seen. As someone outside of their community I found everything I needed to know right there, easy to find, easy to read. By the time I got to the church this morning I felt I had the information I needed to be able to participate in the service. For someone raised in a string of "contemporary" churches a full traditional liturgy can be a very unfamiliar thing. St. Matthew's site gave me a road map. I wish all churches did that.

The word liturgy means "the work of the people". I love that idea that church is not a place we go, rather church is something we physically do together. The service was incredibly participatory and that really spoke to me. You don't just come in and sit and listen, you speak, you pray out loud, you respond. There were two readings, one from the old testament and one from the new and for the New Testament reading every stands, a visual picture that the news of what Christ has done for us is so wonderful you can't stay in your seat as you hear it. The reading finished and the congregation as whole gave thanks to God right there in the moment as if hearing it for the first time. Did you know that the liturgy is set up so that the congregation hears the entire Bible read aloud every three years?

I wondered if an Anglican church would be formal to the point of coldness but I couldn't have been more wrong. I was warmly greeted, and the nice lady next to me helped me keep up when I got lost switching between the hymnal and the prayer book. It has been years since I went to a church that sang hymns, and I've started to notice lately that I miss them. Verses of hymns I sang a child have been running through my head - isn't it amazing that they're still in there? One of the great things about hymns is that they have such classic chord progressions that even if you don't know the tune you can pick it up by the end of the first first.

Also, it comes back to the words again.

The words in hymns make sense. Not only are they deeply scriptural but the verb tenses are always correct and the point of view doesn't jump around. I know for most people that's not a deal breaker but for me, it pulls me right out of a worshipful mood when the song is simply wrong. There's one chorus about a river where Jesus is the river in one line and then we're standing in the river in the next and then Jesus is calling us to the river. . .and I just can't sing it because I get so distracted trying to figure out which verbs go with which river and why anyone would try to stand IN Jesus in the first place. Hymns hold no such mysteries.

I think my favourite part was the prayers from the Book of Common Prayer. I love a word well spoken and the idea of speaking to God in words carefully crafted, patiently selected, thoroughly rooted in scripture, was very beautiful. We use poetry when we want to speak of love, we quote great minds when we want to say just the right thing but lack the words, how lovely to speak to God in the same way. Not that it is the only way to speak to God, but it is a treat to get to bring such pretty words to him. In several of the prayers the phrase "world without end" is mentioned speaking over and over of the timelessness of God, the duration of his love and mercy. It was a great reminder.

It can be hard to hear God amid the noise of life and the busyness of lists. Some days it's even hard to hear him in church. But this morning in the quiet reverence of a service that has been conducted just this way for years on end, I could hear him clearly. Maybe I was wrong about the words, I think that THAT was my favourite part.

accidental diamonds

You might wonder how a person can accidentally buy diamonds, well for starters, it helps to be in LA.

It happened on the way home from a lovely Arizona Christmas. I had a layover at LAX and decided to do a little browsing through the shops. I found a store full of watches and one of them really caught my eye. It was classic and elegant and when I picked it up I noticed that it really caught the light well. It sparkled.

I had been thinking about getting a new watch. I have one that I love but no one can get the back off of it to put a new battery in. It has given me a good few years of service but I thought it might be time for a new one. The sparkly watch was $95 so I put it back and kept looking.

I walked around some more but the idea of the watch wouldn’t leave me alone. I started thinking about this past year and how the idea of sparkling was a thread that ran through it. Early in the year I read a quote that said “On the bad days you need to sparkle harder” and then months later a friend told me “in general, people greatly underestimate their need for sparkle.” As the year progressed I had, and took, the opportunity to sparkle both literally and figuratively.

I am a sucker for a good metaphor and I kept thinking what a great reminder that watch would be - a way to actually make the hours sparkle as a reminder to myself to always be on the lookout for the good amid the usual. With fifteen minutes left before I needed to board the plan I went back and got the watch. It still sparkled and the mother of pearl face cast little shimmery rainbows if you held it just right. I decided it would be my Christmas present to myself.

Imagine my surprise when I took the watch out the next day and saw the words “diamond dial” on the watch face. I took out the instructions and to my great surprise discovered that what I thought were cubic zirconia in the bezel and on the face are actually real diamonds. No wonder it caught the light so well! In truth, they are very tiny diamonds, which is why the price wasn’t higher, but they are real diamonds all the same. The first diamonds I have ever owned.

Now I have not only a perfect reminder to make the hours sparkle, I also have a reminder that sometimes God surprises us with even more than we know, more than we hoped for. Sometimes he gives us the things we hadn’t even thought to dream of. I wonder what other delightful surprises are lurking in 2011? I can’t wait to find out.

indeed.

down the rabbit hole

When the espresso machine I've been hunting for more than a year showed up on my doorstep the very day I was considering joining NaNoWriMo I realized it might be a sign.

NaNoWriMo - National Novel Writing Month is a challenge to write a novel -- 50,000 words!!! -- in 30 days. It is crazy? Of course it's crazy. (And I'm told it requires a lot of coffee, if you're wondering where the espresso machine comes in to this.) Who has time to write a book in a month? But isn't that just exactly the point? Who has time to write? We make time, we take time, we find time, we redeem the days.

There are some things worth having that come as a result of careful and considered thinking and planning - university degrees and mortgages among them. But there are other things, crazy things, that are never going to happen if you wait for a time when it makes sense.

So yes, I admit here, before it all begins that this is crazy. It's entirely possible, likely even, that I am embarking on a fool's errand. But no wiseman can tell the fool what she might see in her travels, and even the king himself cannot tell the fool's stories. They are hers alone - her gift, her treasure. Her reward for being willing to wander where she does not know the way.

Time to jump down the rabbit hole.

fit for a queen

Last year when Mom & Dad were out here looking at houses Mom suggested that we go to the Empress for high tea for my birthday. Well who says no to that? So this year, when the end of May rolled around I took the day off work and off we went. Let me say this up front - if anyone ever says "Wanna go for high tea at the Empress?" the answer is YES. Always yes.

As you can see, the morning of my birthday I was pretty excited about the prospect of a mini break holiday with my Mom. Boats, water, tea, conversation - I knew it was going to be a great day.


Imagine my surprise when Mom arrived and in addition to the birthday treat I knew about she had a HUGE bouquet of flowers in her hands! I am such a sucker for flowers and these were gorgeous. I got them in some water and we were ready to head off for the day.

After a great ride over on the ferry, and a short ride on the coach we arrived in Victoria. The coach dropped us off just a block or two from the Empress. Just a short walk and we were there.
The signs says it all, tea this way! Ok let's go!


The tearoom itself is gorgeous! I could see right away why Dad opted to stay home. It is a very feminine room. The walls are pink. There's an incredible view of the harbor, columns and comfy chairs. It is a room that invites you in. I was so glad we had lots of time to stay.


The host settled Mom and I into a pair of cozy wingback chairs in a corner of our own. The room itself is huge but it's full of little nooks to snuggle into with conversations just waiting to happen. Our waiter Joseph came by with the menus and asked if we'd like a glass of champagne to go with the berry course. Mom and I looked at each and giggled and said "why not?" So we started our tea in style with a toast.


Not long after out strawberries and champagne the tea arrived and WOW. Everything you've heard about tea at the Empress is true. I can see why the Queen comes here when she's in town.

On the bottom level were sandwiches - mushroom pate, carrot & cream cheese, curried chicken, smoked salmon pinwheels & egg salad. Delish. On the next level up were scones, a classic, with Devon cream and little individual pots of Empress strawberry jam. Sooo good. On the top layer were the desserts. Goodness, a person could do some serious damage. Shortbread, chocolate cherry tulips, key lime cheesecake, strawberry tarts and to wash it all down the Empress' house blend black tea. There was two of absolutely everything so we could try it all. And we did.





Everything was so delicious we spent almost two hours enjoying it. We talked about life and love and dreams and boats and things we want to do more of and things we want to do less. It was a delicious afternoon in every possible sense of the word. After a wonderful tea we took a stroll around the harbor, stopping to take a picture of the beautiful facade of the hotel.


While we were walking we found a great idea for Dad's next birthday. You can rent this little beauty to drive around. I took a photo of the contact info for next time.


At the end of a wonderful day, we took the ferry home. I kept thinking of the end of the children's song Teddy Bear's Picnic "At 6 o'clock their Mommies and Daddies will take them home to bed extremely tired but contented bears." I know just how they feel :) Thanks Mom & Dad for a magnificent birthday! It's a day I will never forget.

The Church of Gaga

Lady Gaga is everywhere these days. Her current tour, The Monster’s Ball is so completely sold out that I recently saw a listing on Ticketmaster for tickets for a show in 2011. No joke.

Lady Gaga is known for being avant guarde, out spoken, artistic and opinionated so when she recently sat down for an interview with Larry King, I was surprised to see the discussion turn to matters of religion. King asked her about being raised Catholic and what she believes and this was her reply:

“I believe in Jesus. I believe in God. I’m very spiritual. I pray very much, but at the same time there is no one religion that doesn’t hate or speak against or be prejudiced against another racial group or religious group, or sexual group and for that I think religion is also bogus.

So I suppose you could say I’m a quite religious woman who is also very confused about religion.”

I knew she had her finger on the pulse of our times. A recent article for CNN spoke of the rising group of people, especially those 18-25 who identify as ‘spiritual but not religious’. You’ll often see the notation SBNR on Facebook. There is a longing to belong to something bigger than ourselves, but also a need to step away from some of the negative aspects of traditional religions. Which leads to some interesting questions for all of us.

Does God need the church? Do I need the church to know God?

It’s a not as easy question, but it’s an important one. In the Bible Jesus speaks of building his church, but then as he suffers on the cross, the man next to him calls out for forgiveness and Jesus doesn’t tell him he’s out of luck because he can’t get to a service. Instead he says, “I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in paradise.” (Luke 23:43)

In CNN’s article they quote BJ Gallagher, a blogger for the Huffington Post who shares a parable that says:

“God and the devil were walking down a path one day when God spotted something sparkling by the side of the path. He picked it up and held it in the palm of his hand.

“Ah, Truth,” he said.

“Here, give it to me,” the devil said. “I’ll organize it.”

Does God need the church to be God? I don’t think he does, but I think I might need it. Those who identify as ‘spiritual but not religious’ often take aspects of different traditions together to combine into a custom faith, a personal spirituality. I don’t know if that’s enough or not. I know for myself there are times when I need a community of believers around me and yet there are also times when I wish they’d go away.

The other day I was reading an Op Ed piece on CNN about the military possibly repealing their policy of “don’t ask, don’t tell”. It was an opinion piece and the writer, who technically shares a somewhat similar religious view to me, was certainly opinionated. He spoke of the downfall of the military and even national security being put at risk. But that wasn’t the part that broke my heart.

In the comments there are a few people who blast the writer, and that’s how it goes with Op Ed pieces, they’re supposed to draw lines. But then the church folks showed up, the people who are supposed to be my people, and the things they said took my breath away. There was not a drop of kindness, or love, or mercy. No attempt to understand, or time taken to listen. There might have been truth in what they were saying, but who could hear it under the roar of their rhetoric?

So where does that leave us? CNN’s article goes on to say:

Jennifer Walters, dean of religious life at Smith College in Massachusetts, says there’s a lot of good in old-time religion.

Religious communities excel at caring for members in difficult times, encouraging members to serve others and teaching religious practices that have been tested and wrestled with for centuries, Walters says.

“Hymn-singing, forms of prayer and worship, teachings about social justice and forgiveness — all these things are valuable elements of religious wisdom,” Walters says. “Piecing it together by yourself can be done, but with great difficulty.”

I can understand where the ‘spiritual but not religious’ thinking comes from. I also think it’s a lot to carry on your own shoulders if you’re going to go it alone. For me, I find comfort in tradition, in ritual, but I also need a faith that is hands on. If it only affects what happens after my life, and not what happens during it – I don’t have a lot of use for that. I need God to show up today, not 60 years from now. There’s a verse in Philippians that says, in part, “continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling”. Maybe it’s not supposed to be easy?

Notes:

1. Image of Lady Gaga is original fan art by Ellen Violet. You can see more of her work here.

2. I originally wrote this for work, but Facebook is so silly about allowing links in statuses that reposting it here was easier.

look who's here!!!

I have a brand new nephew! Jackson Rhys Colvin made his appearance Thursday, April 15th at 3:12pm and the world was never quite the same again. Rhys is a Welsh name that means "enthusiasm", a daring, but perfect choice for a little boy. (He'll be able to say that energy really IS his middle name.) Jackson, I don't know what you're going to be enthusiastic about yet, but I can't wait to find out.

Kai meets his brother for the first time. They commemorate the event by participating in a time honored male bonding ritual. (Kai punches his brother. Parents deal. The world continues to spin.) I remember hearing stories of Mark asking our parents when I was going back to the hospital. I wonder how Kai will respond to The Interloper.
I love this pic of Rachel and Jackson. They look so peaceful.


And then there were four. Just think, you are now the perfect size to win one of those all expense paid trips to Disneyland :) I really, really need to get to Australia. Clearly I am missing out.

Welcome to the world Jackson Rhys. I can't wait to meet you in person.

Warning: Fangirling Ahead

I went to both Adam Lambert concerts this weekend. Adam Adam. Twice in one weekend. Well, that was fun :D

It’s early Sunday afternoon as I write this and I am still basking in the afterglow of one of the best weekends I’ve had in a very long time. This weekend was full of things I don’t usually do and here in the sobriety of Sunday afternoon, I think I need to do them more often.



I went to the airport to meet the online friends I was splitting a hotel room with. Erin tweeted me that their flight was in and before too long she came striding over. I met Andrea and Cherry and in just minutes I couldn’t remember why I had been nervous. Confession: I left my Macbook at home because of the voice in my head that kept screaming YOU DON’T REALLY KNOW THESE PEOPLE THEY COULD BE KLEPTOs. I had nothing to worry about. Next time, the Macbook comes with :D

We grabbed lunch, made our way to the hotel and then headed off to Holt Renfrew for some fantastic false eyelashes. This is another thing I never do. I will be doing it again. False eyelashes are better than losing 10lbs on the spot. You look instantly more glamorous. After that it was time to head off to the MAC cosmetics store. This would become a recurring theme.

At MAC we bought fantabulous colors and Erin bought some teal glitter. Well stocked we headed back the hotel to get glammed up. Yoshi met us at the hotel and was quickly folded into our retinue. At this point, I should apologize to the hotel staff. With five of us getting ready in one room there was glitter everywhere. I couldn’t help but smile. I think Adam would have approved.

All prettied up we headed over to the Red Robinson Show Theatre. We grabbed dinner, got in trouble with security for taking photos (not allowed on the casino floor) and walked in under the huge sign announcing Adam Lambert was playing tonight.

For Thursday’s show at the Red Robinson Show Theatre we had seats farther back but dead center. It’s a tiny theatre, only a thousand seats so we had a great view. There was a mosh pit and lots of black and glitter. When the opening act started to play I thought the sound mix was a bit off. There was a very long intermission and at 9 o’clock the lights went down, the air left the room and a certain tall, raven haired ringmaster took the stage. Finally, finally it was time.

The roar of the crowd was deafening. It did that rushing wind thing that I remember hearing at the Idols live tour even though this was a much smaller crowd. They opened with FYE, but halfway through Adam stopped. They were having technical issues and he had them reset a few things and start again.

Adam is truly magical on stage. He moves like water, casts a spell over the crowd and holds you there, but you don’t mind. I know there’s been whinning about him mentoring on Idol but there’s no one better to teach those kids how to put on a show. Adam knows what to do with a stage and how to work a crowd. He was fantastic. There were sound issues throughout the night, but you almost didn’t notice. He was fully ON and we were right there with him.

After “For Your Entertainment” he played “If I Had You” a song I like more each time I hear it live. Whatdaya Want From Me was next. I have no idea how he manages to sing that song a little differently every time, but he does. I love that he’s kept the higher twist on “it’s me” – I like it even better than the original recording.

I don’t go to a lot of concerts, but I think that Adam is one of the few, the very few who actually sounds better live than he does recorded. The CD is really, really good but Adam live is a completely different treat, one that I wish every Adam fan had the chance to experience.
During Strut it was like he was tossing little pieces of his own confidence out into the crowd like glitter. I felt beautiful and confident. If someone had asked me right then to strut across the stage, I probably would have done it.

In another universe Adam would be AMAZING host for that British show “How to Look Good Naked”. He makes you believe that you can strut, with whatever you are working with. He is so confident it’s like sunshine that you turn toward before you even realize you’re doing it. He believes in you so strongly that you cannot help but believe it yourself. I can completely understand how the stories behind “Broken Open” happened. Adam feels incredibly safe and that safety is an amazing place to step out into whatever you’ve been holding back.

Sure Fire Winners came next. If I’m being honest, Adam had trouble with the lyrics on this one. He lost his words a few times that night but SFW just seemed to take him for a ride. It didn’t matter though, it was still a great performance.

He ditched the jacket for Soaked, moving us into the acoustic portion of the evening. Next up came A Loaded Smile – a song he has never performed live before. It was ethereal and haunting and lovely. He sang Mad World. I could listen to that song all day. Same with Broken Open which came next. After that was Sleepwalker and Music Again which was a bit of a blur.

He closed the show with Fever. This song is so obviously the hit single and but radio program directors won’t play it. They did Down The Rabbit Hole for the encore. Adam had such a huge grin on his face when he came back out. I loved knowing that I had a small part in putting it there. Yes there were technical issues, but all in all it was a great concert and I had a wonderful time.

We headed over to the River Rock after to meet some friends and to our great surprise Tommy and Monte walked out into the lobby. While my brain screamed "that's Tommy, standing right over there!!!" my innate Inner Awkward Turtle kicked into overdrive and I literally could not make my legs walk over. I admired him from afar.

Yoshi went over to join the crowd talking to them. She said that they were kinda down at first saying that the mix was bad and it made it almost impossible for them to hear each other. She told them that she had a great time and said that they cheered up a bit hearing that. They took pics and I just stood there, on the other side of the lobby feeling awkward. Little did I know that later that night, fate would bring Tommy to me.

We headed into the bar and grabbed a table. We managed to order a round in spite of the Worst Bar Service of All Time (of ALL TIME!!) Tommy and Monte came in to the bar and there was a crowd around them the entire time. But I ended up getting to meet Tommy. Here’s how it happened:

We were sitting at a table at the back of the bar and Tommy was over on the other side of the bar completely surrounded by people. Yoshi went over to talk to Tommy along with Fiona. Fiona was going to ask a question but got a little overwhelmed and came back to our table. Yoshi didn't notice right away and said to Tommy "My friend wants to ask you something" and then turned around and notice Fi was gone. Apparently Tommy said "Where'd she go" and when Yoshi pointed to our table Tommy said something like "Let's go ask her."



So, back to me, sitting, chatting away to Andrea and Fiona when I look up and Tommy is walking right towards me. I think I must have startled or something but Tommy looks up at me and puts his finger to his lips in a shh-ing gesture so I school my face into a mask of nonchalance. (I guess those acting classes did pay off) He sits right down next to Fiona and says "Hey, how come you're too shy to talk to me?" and Fiona turns, registers who it is and screams.



Quite understandable.



Tommy, who just might be the nicest man on the planet completely ENVELOPES her in a hug, introduces himself and asks her what her question is. Fiona at this point is having a little trouble making words so Tommy gives her a minute to collect herself and starts meeting the rest of us.

He reaches out across the table to shake my hand and says "Hi, I'm Tommy" and by the grace of all that is holy I manage to NOT say "YOU"RE TOMMY!" right back to him. After intros we start talking music. He tells us that the first time Adam mentioned playing “Whole Lotta” Love acoustic the whole band wasn't sure how it would work. Adam had to convince them to try it, which they did and once they heard it, they were convinced. I wanted to ask him if that happened a lot - if Adam often had crazy ideas and managed to convince them to try but the conversation moved.

The next day, Friday we all got up and had pretty much the same thought “we get to see Adam AGAIN tonight!!!” We grabbed crepes – the breakfast of champions! We headed back to the MAC store for more sparkly things. I headed over the glitter section. The night before Erin and Andrea put teal glitter in their hair – I didn’t even know you could do that. They both have dark hair, so the teal looked incredible. I am blonde and worried that the teal would look like sprinkles so I declined. My mission at the MAC store: find a goldish glitter that would work better in my hair.

The same assistant as the day before came over and was a little incredulous when she saw me finger the glitter. “Yesterday you wanted a subtle shimmery look and today you’re buying glitter?” she asked. I thought about trying to explain the Adam Lambert Effect but decided instead to simply say “it’s been a very interesting weekend”.

She recommended one of their white glitters instead and I have to say A+ choice MAC lady. You can wear it on your eyes, as body glitter, in your hair – or if you’re going to an Adam show all three. I have never worn glitter AT ALL before but I have to say, it’s a lot of fun. When we got into the show the girl behind me tapped me on the shoulder and asked “How did you make your hair sparkle like that, it’s gorgeous!” and I beamed. If you’re interested, the one I got is Glitter Reflects in Reflects Gold

Almost right away you could tell that something was different Friday night and different in a really good way. By the end of the show I actually felt a little bad for anyone who saw Thursday’s show and not Friday’s. Thursday was great but Friday….Friday was something very special. I think it will be a long time before I experience something like that again. The crowed was pumped, dancing along to the music that played while we were waiting.

After the first song they turned on a set of lights that lit up the audience and Adam could see us dancing and cheering and happy. It was as if they lit us and then we lit Adam. He looked out at us dancing, smiling, everyone on their feet and he just BEAMED. I swear his smile was visible from space. He glowed and then he sang. He put on an incredible show.

Adam said “you're all so sparkly!" and that's exactly how I felt. There is something about Adam that is incredibly freeing. It’s as if he walks around with a giant pair of glittery scissors cutting all the ties that hold us down, thst hold us back. Insecure about your looks? Snip, you’re beautiful. Afraid of looking silly and being rejected for it? Snip snip, just dance. He moves so quickly you barely notice he’s doing it but suddenly, inexplicable you’re free, you can fly if you want to. He won’t push, but he’ll lead you up to the edge of the cliff and show you the view.

I can't dance, but when Adam sings my body finds a rhythm. You cannot stand still, his voice calls out to you. I just went with it. It all felt right and there in the crowd, under his spell I never felt awkward or self-conscious. I danced for the sheer joy of it, for the music and the way that it made me feel. It was beautiful and it made us beautiful too.

After Strut they played Down the Rabbit Hole – another song that just keeps getting better. During the “Who are you’s” at the end of the song Adam skipped over to each band member in turn and sang to them. Then he sang "Who are you? Ask yourself that, who are you?" and I heard a voice in my head say "I am a girl who puts glitter in her hair". I like the sound of that.

At the beginning of the show the Host said “I have a feeling that years from now thousands of people will claim that they were at the River Rock for this show tonight. You’re the lucky ones who really were. Enjoy it.” Not hard to do.

Mad World was, hands down my favorite Mad World ever. It was beautiful. About three minutes in he just started riffing this gorgeous, bluesy set of runs. Really lovely.

Fever starts, and the crowd goes wild even though somewhere in the back of our heads we know that the show is winding down. The song ended and Adam beamed again. He started stomping his feet and declared “Disco is back!” He said “Disco! Disco!” and turned to face LP and in the next moment LP is giving him a beat. Monte joins in on guitar then Tommy and Cam and it’s so smooth it takes almost a full minute for me to realize that this isn’t the start of the next song, it’s just a few very talented musicians messing around on stage. Seriously, seriously talented musicians. They play, Adam dances then he throws his hand in the air and as quickly as it started it’s over. They end in perfect unison. This band is tight.

The morning after the show as I was walking around the city on my way to Starbucks the sun was shinning the sky was blue and I couldn't stop smiling. A couple of years ago when I still lived close to the ocean I got up really early one day to watch the sun rise over the water. A couple of lines that I wrote in my journal that morning came back to me to today "And now the world is fully awake. And now, so am I.”

the day we roared

They say a picture is worth a thousand words, and this one speaks volumes. I've never really understood sports or sports fans or the national obsession with hockey. (I hope they won't revoke my citizenship for saying that.) But I was in the crowd down in Robson Square when we won and I get it now. I remember the energy and the noise as the final moments of the game played out. When the Americans scored with 22 seconds left to play I felt that puck land in my gut. Then I held my breath with the rest of the crowd. Sudden Death Overtime was every monster from ever movie ever made and it was coming for us. All we had were sticks and skates. It had to be enough.

I know nothing about hockey so I didn't know how long this was going to take. I didn't know if I should dare to hope or not. The flag in my hand stayed still, silent and respectful. We waited. There was movement up and down the ice but it had no meaning, it was all noise. And then it was a roar. I think I heard the crowd respond before I realized the game was ours, like an echo that travels faster than the source. In a moment I was caught up in it. WE WON! WE WON! We shouted and danced like characters in a children's story. We yelled. We gave high fives to strangers. Car horns honked everywhere but no one was upset. In Chinatown the store owners ran out to the street old men and young children banging pots with wooden spoons.

It looked just like this photo - a sea of red and white - did it stretch from sea to sea? Everything was laughter and joy, noise and movement. We were together. We were victorious. And in that moment I was, for the very first time, a hockey fan.

flights of fancy

No one told my crocuses that it's only January. Against reason, against the times they live in they have decided to begin. I join them in their green-shooted delusion. I know it's not really spring yet, but you have to admit they make a compelling argument. Who am I to judge their flights of fancy? The world is mostly grey this time of year but they have selected a different shade entirely.

I am inspired by their rebellious green, their frank indifference to society and convention and the way things are supposed to be done. They are not saving their best dresses to wear on Sunday. In a few more days their finery will great me as I head off to work in the ever-lightening morning. I am as thrilled as they are that the dark days of deep winter are behind us. If spring wants to come a little early, it gets my vote.

Lead on, impetuous ones.
Teach us a new season.
Reset the clocks of the ordinary
and strike up a new song.

We have slept too long.
The morning comes.
Herald the dawn in purple and yellow.
Refuse to be silenced
and I will try to learn your song
of freedom and chance
of timing and
destiny
of things that never were
and were always meant to be.
No flower is ever
truly out of season.

(The indoor tulips on the other hand...well as you can see they're just showing off :)

impulsive

I am many things, impulsive is not one of them. I think, I consider, I wait, I delay. I am very good at thinking myself out of doing things or finding reasons why trying something new is a bad idea. I like familiar things, things I am good at, things I understand. So today, during family Christmas when my niece Amanda came up to me and said "I'm getting my ear pierced, wanna come?" it was complete surprise to hear myself say "yes" after very little consideration.

Off we went to Claire's in the mall (how appropriate) and got matching third holes together. The last time I got my ears pierced I was 11. I now have a little diamond in my right ear. It's CZ for now, but I just might replace it with a real one eventually.

As I step into 2010 I hope it will remind me that little extra sparkle never hurt anyone. I hope it will be a sign that trying new things can be a good thing, and that doing new things is not nearly so scary if you have someone to hold your hand. I hope I will see it in the mirror and remember that there is a whole world of pretty little ideas waiting to be tried out. I hope it sets the tone for 2010 and the years that follow.

Thanks Amanda, I'll hold your hand anytime. This was a very good idea. Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

This year for the first time since before I came west for university I was able to have Christmas with my parents without getting on an airplane. I could definitely get used to this. We had a lovely Christmas morning together, opening gifts and eating like kings. And, of course, we made time for a little silliness too and lots of smiles. I woke up this morning to the sound of my parents laughing, which is a pretty great way to start Christmas :)

On Monday I went over to Gord & Shannon's with Kendra to decorate Christmas cookies. Here are the ones I did:
My favorite one this year is this little guy - a snowman in a Santa suit! He's going to be delicious.

I like fiddily crafts and doing things the slow way sometimes. These were a LOT of fun to make. We've done several rounds of cookies this year and I'm sure 2010 will have more cookies too. Hmm, Olympic ring cookies maybe? Or Quaatchi for a real challenge?

As soon as Dave & Janie get home we're hopping on to Skype to video chat and I'm sure we'll do the same with Mark & Rach before the day is out. The sun is shinning so brightly that I'm fairly sure there's a river walk on the menu for this afternoon too.

Merry Christmas friends. May all your days be merry and bright!

all things shine at Christmas

If you've been reading my blog since last year, you know we have an unusual Christmas tradition at our house - fancy nails. I took my acrylics off over the summer and was lamenting the loss of sparkly nails. I should not have worried. Thanks to the internet and my ever increasing skills in the art of google-fu I not only found an alternative, I found a salon that does it in my neighborhood. Check it out:


If you're wondering how a polish can be so shiny, it can't. It's a process called Minx - basically it's a thick sticker that is heat applied to the nail and peels off after a week or two. It does no damage to the nail below. Now *that's* sparkly Christmas nails. If you're local, I got mine done at Socialite Nails a beautiful little spa in Crescent Beach. (Ok so technically my OLD neighborhood. Details, details.) Any excuse to head for the water is fine by me. How are your Christmas plans coming? Do you sparkle yet?

return like the tide

I am re-reading one of my all time favorite books, Pat Conroy's The Prince of Tides. It is an incredibly sad story, but it is so beautifully written that I willingly hand over my heart to be broken. It starts with "My wound is geography." Such a perfect opening line.

It is the story of Savannah, now grown up, a tortured poet. The book begins with her latest suicide attempt and her brother Tom is summonded to New York to help. The psychartist tells Tom "I can't help your sister until I know her story but she cannot tell it". And Tom replies simply, ominously, "we don't talk about what happened". Tom soon realizes that the only way to save the sister he so dearly loves is find a way to tell the story that has no words. He has to walk into the den of his own demons to try and save Savannah from hers.

This is one of the books that made me fall in love with the coast of South Carolina, sight unseen. I will make my pilgrimage one day and send flowers into the sea for Savannah and all her secrets. It has been several years since I last read this book, but I can still recite the closing lines by heart. "Each day as I take the bridge that leads me home to my family I say two words. I say them as prayer, as regret and as praise. I say Lowenstein, Lowenstein." The Prince of Tides is, ultimately, a love story. It is a story of letting go and of holding on so tight that no storm can rip you apart. It speaks of the love of siblings and the love that transcends blood. It is heart-breakingly beautiful and always calls me back like the tide. Once again, I willingly throw myself against the rocks.

beauty in descent

Fall is a stepping-down time of year. I always picture it as a spiral staircase, twisting, matching the flight of leaves twirling down and down. I never think of just moving from summer through fall in to winter, it's always a descent for me. Out of daylight into the darkness of winter evenings, from the warmth of the sun to the places where warmth comes in layers. Each year I willingly walk the path, and even while I am letting go of summer, stepping down into this chilly dark, I am in awe of the beauty of the descent.

The other day I looked out my office window and the sky was a pale shade of gray. But there, just in front of it were the most beautiful crimson leaves. Red leaves on a pale gray sky -- it could have been a painting. It probably should have been. My grandfather could have done it justice, but I did not inherit his skill.

Transitions are tricky things. Rosamunde Pilcher wrote that the trouble with transitions is that you can feel the edges of two worlds bumping up against each other. I think she's right. In either world, the world feels infinite, but in the transition you feel where things end and where they begin and that cane be scary. A friend of mine compares is to stepping into a boat. Even when you know the vessel is sea-worthy, stepping into causes movement and that little sway ripples doubt through an otherwise steady spirit.

To celebrate Fall and the beauty of this season I baked cookies with Shannon & Kendra and the girls. The hard shell cookie class we took last year is still coming in handy. One little technique, easily mastered and suddenly so many options exist. There's a lesson in that. But for now, here are the cookies:
It was particularly satisfying to have an idea work out just exactly the way I hoped it would. I thought the leaves might work out and they did. The candy corn were Kendra's idea -- a brilliant one -- and we didn't let a lack of cookie cutter get in the way. Why did it never occur to me that you can just cut shapes out by hand? New and interesting cookies may be on the horizon.

It is time to go back to the water, I can feel it. It's been a couple of weeks which is far too long. I need to finish the mediocre book I'm languishing in (or give up on it entirely), find something truly delicious to take its place and head for open water to commune. All I need is a hot coffee and warm blanket. I won't miss the sun.

cali-cali-fornia! (part 1)

More than a year ago Amanda decided that when it was time for her grad trip she wanted to go back to Disneyland. And, being the wise young woman she is -- she's graduated now you know, she gets to make her own choices -- she invited us Aunties along. Never say no to southern California and Disneyland, especially when the company is as fine as this. Gord, Shannon, Amanda, Nicole, Tracy, Chrisaleen, Kendra and I headed south for some fun in the sun and boy did we ever.


To me, So Cal will always be blue skies and palm trees. I don't know why I love the palm trees so much, but every time I come to California, they make me smile. The weather was just over a hundred degrees the whole time we were there and the skies were so clear and blue it was like God filled them in with a Crayola crayon. I am convinced that the sunshine is sunnier in California. You cannot convince me otherwise.

The first day we headed straight to the Magic Kingdom. Just inside the gates there is a Mickey made of flowers and if you read the fine print on your ticket you'll see that you and your party are contractually obligated to pose in front of it. (It must be on the tickets, EVERYONE does it.) So here we are (well all of us except for Gord who was playing photographer as usual.)
This was taken several days later, but as you can see, the sky is still that beautiful, cerulean blue. And yes, see we really were in Disneyland. This time around the Sleeping Beauty rooms in the castle itself were open. Kendra was thrilled to learn that she was not crazy as last time we were here she was sure she had seen them before but the castle was locked up tight. Yeah for sanity :)


Disneyland, as you know, is the happiest place on earth. I wonder if they put magical herbs in the air because people really do seem to be in a good mood. (Except for the occasional screaming child star-fished on the pavement, but we won't speak of that.) Even grown-up feel the need to put on silly mouse ears and pose for pictures. Kendra ended up buying the sparkly ones I'm wearing and I might, possibly have borrowed them while she was off riding California Screaming ie the scariest looking coaster of ALL TIME.

In addition to ears there is a general cuteness pretty much everywhere you look. As evidence, I give you People's Exhibit A. COME ON, it's a candy apple shaped like Micky Mouse?! You can't make this stuff up. It was delicious - layers of caramel and chocolate and crazy red sugar-sprinkles that got absolutely everywhere. Fortunately, I wasn't planning to impress anyone on this trip anyway. The mess was so completely worth it.


We laughed, pretty much non-stop the entire time. In my books that's the hallmark of an excellent trip. I have more pics and more details but they will have to wait until another day. I will say this -- while everyone else was waving trying to get people's attention we threw up ostriches and lamas. And yes, I have pictures :)

this is not a recommendation

I just finished reading Stieg Larsson's acclaimed The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. I wish I could recommend it. Larsson's book, the first of a trilogy, is currently enjoying a ride on the New York Times' bestsellers list. I love me a NYT book, but this one really should have come with a warning.

The book starts well. It's a Swedish novel, and I haven't read a lot of Swedish fiction. I was stoked to try something new. (I'm quite sure I butchered the street names in my head.) Also it's a brick of a book -- a good few inches that promised to sit and stay for a while. The story centers around a few main characters -- a financial journalist, a gifted hacker and the missing daughter of the esteemed Vanger empire. It could have been a fantastic story, it should have been a great story. But about a third of the way through the book the story takes a deeply disturbing turn.

For me, I was already invested enough into the book that I read through to the end. Perhaps I can save you from the same fate. There is nothing on the back cover that suggests what is lurking inside this book. It is dark and violent and I disagree with the author that it was necessary. I think he could have told the story without it and I so wish that he had. There are two more books in the series which I will, sadly, have to leave on the shelf at Chapters. If you're looking a great book to take you into the cooler days of Fall, I recommend that you keep looking. Sadly, the good in this book is far outweighed by the ewww.

I’m with the band

Something magical has happened and I got to witness it firsthand. Last week, 234 perfect strangers raised $14 778 to buy 42 band instruments for students they had never met. They did it gladly. They did it in just six days. And I got to be one of them. This is the story of how it happened.

Anyone who has been on my blog recently knows I am an Adam Lambert fan. I'll own that proudly. I think his voice and his talent are otherworldly and I will be among the hoards clamoring for his album when it drops in November. A few weeks ago Adam asked his fans to stop buying him presents. He asked instead that any gifts be sent to DonorsChoose.org particularly for projects dealing with the arts. In the first week $12 000 was raised. Shortly after, realizing that fans were actually paying attention, he started a contest challenging the various fan groups to compete to see who could raise the most money in 30 days. It has been about a week and half so far and $73 876 has come in on top of the original $12K.

As part of the contest, for probably the first time ever, all the fan groups decided to focus on one, huge request. (This never happens. As a rule, fan groups, while united in their love of a given artist, hate each other. Don't ask me why.) A teacher in Washington state wanted to offer band to her students, but they had no instruments at all. Back in March she put in a request for $14 778 to buy flutes, clarinets, trumpets, trombones and the xylophones you use in marching bands. Up until a couple of weeks ago, less than $1 000 had been raised in 5 months. The project had a deadline of September 1st. We beat it by three days. All of us together did something that none of us could have dreamed of alone. We created a music program.

There comes a moment, a tipping point where the impossible becomes possible. There's a moment where the truth of what is going to happen is irresistible and it moves, like an oyster slips from the shell -- unstoppable, fluid and smooth, like destiny. A few weeks ago this wasn’t going to happen. It was too big, too much. When I came to donate I remember looking at the band request and hesitating. There was more than $10 000 left to raise and less than two weeks to do it in. “What’s the point?” I wondered. "It’s not going to complete and there are other projects that will." But I took a step of faith. I choose to believe that maybe, all of us together could do something magical. And now here were are. There is band where before there was only an empty closet.

One donor wrote, "In life, it's that one extra degree of effort that separates the good from the great. At 99 degrees, water is hot. At 100 degrees, it boils. And with boiling water comes steam. And steam can power a locomotive. The one extra degree makes all the difference." There is a lot of truth in those words. I wish I could be there to see the looks on the student's faces when their teacher tells them that they can take band this year. I hope she posts pictures.

I remember my own experience with band. I remember we had a whole wall of instruments, with cubies stacked so high you needed a ladder to get to some of them. I remember taking a flute home that first day, and clumsy fingers on slippery silver keys. I remember pressing down, breathing deep, concentrating and...... E flat. A beginning. The first step on a long musical journey. High school was not a welcoming place for me, but in band, I had a place. I practiced and I was pretty good. My fingers did what I asked them to, my breath was sure. In band I could add my note to the chorus and not be rejected for it.

Music is only the very first benefit of music education. There's discipline and celebration, a sense of belonging and a chance to be on a team, to be part of something even if you can't run very fast. Music teaches patience and an appreciation of beauty and the ability to wait for a reward delayed. Music calls forth dreams. I am so proud to know that these kids will get to experience some of what I experienced and that I could make what was a common experience for me, a common experience for them.

I am very happy to be able to say, I'm with the band.


There are a lot of other kids who can use your help. If you haven't heard of DonorsChoose.org before now, go and check them out. They are a charity out of the US they have a brilliantly simple strategy. Teachers post specific requests for what they need -- anything from band instruments to pencils (yes, right now there are teachers requesting pencils) and donors donate to a specific project. DonorsChoose collects the funds, orders and delivers the supplies and the teachers post their thank you notes online where all the donors can see them, often with photos of thank you signs from the kids. So far, Adam Lambert fans have fully funded 70 projects. We've bought books, theater lights, costumes, a Jazz curriculum, instruments and yes pencils. There's plenty more to do if you want . to get in on this. Trust me, it feels pretty fantastic.

my soul as a chosen landscape

I've always known that I'm named for a piece of music. Charles Debussy's Clair de Lune is my mother's favorite and that's where my name comes from. I've listened to that piece my whole life. (You can listen to it here.) I own four or five different recordings of it. I think it's haunting and beautiful and have always been pleased she like that song, and not, say something from the Backstreet Boys. But this weekend I found out there's a lot more to it.

For some reason, I never realized that Clair de Lune, which means "moonlight", is the third movement of a larger work. In 33 years, I had never heard of Debussy's Suite Bergamasque. There are three more courses of this piece of music I have always loved so much. It's a little like discovering that your favorite book has a prequel you didn't know about. What a treat.

And amazingly, there is even more, dessert if you will. Debussy based the third movement of his Suite, the famous Clair de Lune, on a poem by French poet Paul Verlaine. He even borrowed Paul's title. The poem, not surprisingly, is in French (you can hear it read aloud, as poetry should be here) and has been translated as this:

Claire de Lune
by Paul Verlaine (1844 – 1896)

Your soul is a chosen landscape
Where charming masked and costumed figures go
Playing the lute and dancing and almost
Sad beneath their fantastic disguises.

All sing in a minor key
Of all-conquering love and careless fortune
They do not seem to believe in their happiness
And their song mingles with the moonlight.

The still moonlight, sad and beautiful,
Which gives the birds to dream in the trees
And makes the fountain sprays sob in ecstasy,
The tall, slender fountain sprays among the marble statues.

I find it rather beautiful. I love that the characters in the poem do let even their sadness stop their dancing.

For the first time in a long time, I found a poem running through my own head and scurried to write it down before it ran away. Art brings forth life, which in turn, if we're lucky, gives us more art -- whole new world of undiscovered countries and chosen landscapes.

The sad song is a realist
Who dances, even while doubting the happiness
Who dances in the sad light
And wears a mask so fantastic that all sorrows are forgotten.

The sad song dances because it has known happiness
So indescribable that even the memory of it alone
Is enough to stir the body
And feet refuse to stand still
But give in to the loveliness of what is now.

The dance is a choice
A gift
A painting
Too beautiful to be cast aside by a little sorrow.
The dancer moves, light and sorrow
Beauty and memory and
Finds happiness again
In the ethereal sad light.
~cc

a joy forever

As Keats told us, "a thing of beauty is a joy forever". At this rate, it looks like I'm going to be happy for a long, long time.

Beauty is. . .
a stunning orchid for my room. I have decided that all bedrooms should contain fresh orchids. They are impossibly beautiful, laws of gravity-defying flowers. Who wouldn't want to wake up to that?

Beauty is. . . phone calls that include the phrase "we're barbecuing at the lake tonight, you coming?"


. . .and the phrase "I'm making rolkuchen."
. . . and finding a way to hug your wet, fresh out of the lake niece and still stay dry.
Beauty is. . . .road-tripping up to Gardom Lake to see Amanda. And learning a new un-winnable card game. And then winning said game on the third try. (Funny, no one else was as excited about this as I was.)

Beauty is. . .loving someone enough to do their camp laundry and having great people to share the experience with.
Beauty is . . . a cold lake on a hot day and time to go swimming. This lake had an inflatable iceburg for climbing and even a pirate ship (sadly just out of the range of this photo.)

Beauty is. . . making it to the top of the iceburg and finding that even way up here, there's love too.(I don't know why I have so few pics of Amanda from our Gardom Lake Odyssey. We'll have to fix that when Amanda gets home in a few weeks.) All in all, it's been a pretty stellar summer so far. Dave & Janie & Corrina land in Abby tomorrow so amazingly enough, the summer is about to get even better. A thing of beauty, these joys mine, forever.